Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; 8he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.
–James 1:2
For too long I have been ‘like a wave of the sea blown and tossed by the wind’. Wanting desperately to find my place, my purpose, my posture–in each wavering step I take. I fight to escape the selfish desires of my heart and recognize the diminishing quality of sin will never fully relinquish its stronghold.
Said trials have lead me to a crossroads where I may only seek The Creator or delve deeper into sin, disparity and continual heartbreak. To escape the grasp of the enemy has been my deepest struggle. Sins of the flesh–jealousy, envy, bitterness, and contempt have wrestled with my soul, but will not find solace as they reside within me. I have asked God for wisdom and will persevere this unstable, upsetting terrain of my life.
Furthermore, being with the family reminds me how quickly I am to disregard my need for others. It’s easy to cut myself off from relationships when they hurt, but have most recently felt like God is giving me no other choice but to work through these hurts and see the real value of letting others in. I just pray that God continues to help me with this process…
